Friday, September 17, 2010

August 19, 2010, Thursday


I was driving to the subway this morning by myself, too early for my sister, who is staying home currently, and saw the sun, like a huge orange ball in my mirror. It was absolutely gorgeous, all I kept thinking was how meaningless is life when you don't have anyone to share it. I am starting to feel that Randy is not home and frankly I am so tired. He called me last night and the funny part is I waited the whole day for his call but then when he did my sister put the dinner in front of me and I just needed to eat, I was so nauseous. I did not sleep well, as usual, and I am more then exhausted now. I am on my way, at 6:30am in the morning to the Ultrasound. I frankly don't know how I could handle a bad news this morning; I really hope that there is no bleed anymore and that the baby is ok. I had an awful 2 weeks wondering if the bleeding would increase and if I would have a miscarriage, again. I keep thinking that this year has been half of the year being in a first trimester, twice, being sick, nauseous, extremely tired, brain frog, stomach discomfort, difficulty to have poo-poo friend, swing mood, insomnia, dizzy, extremely emotional and I could go on an on. I don't think I could go through that again. Last year was half and more of the year recuperating from my open myomectomie, so if you asked me this morning, how am I doing, I would probably laugh in your face. Let's see what the ultrasound will show, oh yeah and talking about ultrasound, for the past 2 years, I had about 15-20 of those and not the belly ultrasound, but the stick in your vagina ultrasound, you may think that it is fun, but this one doesn't vibrate and is not fun (sorry for the pure hear reading me).

(…)

I am now back at work and had my ultrasound. First the nurse said that the doctor needed to be there. And I just could picture the same thing happen than last time. Waiting for about 2-3 hours again. Anyway, she decided to go through the viewing part and if there was an issue, then I would have to wait for the doctor. So, I went to the washroom to get my bladder emptied because of course I didn’t need to drink, but nobody told me that! And I put the paper gown on the side of the sink, and didn’t know that it was an automatic sink so the gown got all wet. Great start. She did the ultrasound and saw that there was no more bleed. Heart beat is 167, which she said it is normal. So I didn’t need to see the doctor. I left the building and had to sit, as I just kept crying and couldn’t stop. I now feel exhausted and am sitting at my desk wondering how am I going to do today. Which really is the same thing then the past 6 weeks LOL. I cannot wait for Randy to be back home so I can tell him. I asked for a picture and the baby is bigger then the picture of the first baby at 11 weeks. I am going to start exercising again, not crazy but weight lifting slowly back to my routine. The hard part is to try to find the energy for it. I am eating more with my braces so that part is a bit easier.

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