The morning of the C-section I had to be at the hospital at 6:00am, so we left the house at 5:30, no make up, no jewelleries, no antisudorific allowed. The ride in the car was rather weird, you know that in the next few hours you are going to meet your little baby, my husband as a surprise put on our wedding song, which of course made me cry! The ride felt so long and yet so short, no one was on the road at that time.

How does a C-section goes? Well, first you get to the hospital and then you register at the nurse station. Then, they bring you to a room which you will be asked to change in a very sexy hospital gown. Husband at that point is with you and it is good as for my situation I had to wait a bit. I was strangely calm, maybe because I knew from the beginning that I would need a c-section due to my Myomectomie. I started to get nervous though when one of the nurse was making clear stupid move, such as trying to flush a cup full of pee in the toilette, CUP INCLUDED, and she tried twice to put on my intravenous and kept laughing saying I just can't do it. At that point, I got really impatient and nervous, I can't stand stupidity! Lucky me, she got called somewhere else (or fired lol) and another wonderful nurse came and was so pleasant! She finally put the intravenous, and gave me a liquid to drink that help to balance the acidity of the stomach, taste is not good but I wouldn't say it was awful, it does feel weird in the throat for a bit though . I believe they gave me pills also I can't remember right now.

The anesthesiologist (Kyle) came and sat, and started to ask questions and explained to me everything that was going to happen. He was so calming and wonderful! He really made my operation so much better, I could tell he loved what he was doing and he was so great! I told him that I need to know what is happening good or bad. He kept his word and did just that. He told me to tell him while having the c-section any feeling that I have, such as nauseous, dizzy etc that way he could give me some medication and control it, and prevent from vomiting. Once we were done, a nurse came and brought me to the operating room, which at that point my husband wasn't allowed. They made me sit on the operation table to start giving me the spinal anesthesia He told me to let him know if I feel pain and where I felt it. You need to round your back as much as you can, which is really difficult as you have that huge belly, because of your belly it is then really difficult to breath properly. They first give you a needle to numb the area and then the reel thing come. It wasn't extremely painful but it certainly does not feel good. Except one time where I let a scream out. He stopped right away and asked what I felt. It was like an electric chock on the right side, It was so painful, very weird, he stopped realign the needle then he started again and he was able to complete the procedure. It hit you so quickly, someone had to helped me to lie down, and OMG my legs started to have that weird feeling. Your lower part is numb, you don't feel any pain, BUT you feel any touching. It is so weird! You also want to move your legs and you can't ! After it really was working, it felt like my legs was floating, I even asked if my legs was raised higher then my body and they weren't. The c-section went very quickly, although my c-section was a tough one, I lost a lot of blood at one point I told Kyle (the anasthegiolist) that I had a hard time to breath that it felt like if their hand was on my chest, and he smiled and said, that is exactly what is happening, 3 doctors needed to push as baby didn't want to come out. She then explained to me after that because of my open myomectomie my muscle were not flexible and that is why it was so difficult to remove baby. She said that at night her arm was killing her! Also I should mention that usually it is not like that.

Once they had baby out, sadly they just took her and started to do what they had to do. Her cry was the cutest thing ever it was so little! My arm was attached but I managed to grab the curtain and pull it so I could see my baby, once Kyle saw that he helped me. She was a cute 7.4 pounds and 59cm! Born at 8:46. It took what seem a long time for them to close my belly and stitches etc, and it is weird as I felt I was moving a lot on the table. I asked for a tummy tuck as a joke, my doctor really laugh at that one. I managed not to vomit, very common in c-section, that is because I kept telling Kyle how I felt and he was adjusting the medication. Finally they gave baby to my husband and he brought her so I could see her. She was so gorgeous with all that hair!

After they were done with my stitching they rolled me in the observation room, and finally I was able to take my daughter in my arm. The nurse keep asking to move your toes, and frankly at first you can't but then it comes back, such a weird feeling! After that everything is a bit blurry, we brought me in the room with daddy and baby, and that was it, that was now our life! Baby is in your room, and you have to take care of the little munchkin! I breastfed her, and I am very lucky I had no issues at all, she latched right away. I did read a lot about it, watch video, did the breastfeeding clinic etc. I was shock to feel how powerful her sucking is, and omg if they don't latch properly it is so painful! After a few hours, a nurse came to check if baby was warm enough to give her a bath. So they did, and showed us how to do it. My husband helped and changed and dressed her up, I was so proud of him!

The nights at the hospital were not too bad, baby are usually kind of quiet as they are so tired, we were so impress of how good she was (that changed once we got home! :-) It is also because we had a private room, which my insurance covered, thank god! I saw the other rooms, with 2 babies crying, 2 dads on the floor sleeping, it must have been so tough! Nurse come every 2 hours to wake you up so you can feed your baby and help you with the breastfeeding. Most of the time I wasn't sleeping anyway, and didn't need much help for the feeding. Babies lost some pound and the nursed made us give some formulas to Émilie with a little tube that you either slip in her mouth while breastfeeding or attached to the finger and she suck on it. Later, my doctor said that her weight lost wasn't great and that the formulas would not have been necessary. The 3 days seems so long though as we were so tired, and every time I was finally able to fall asleep there was always a nurse, the cleaner, the food and someone else for study research entering the room. At night, the cleaner were so freaking loud, I even made a complain to our nurse!

I was super nervous about removing the stitches the whole time, and frankly I don't know why, it wasn't even painful at all and actually it felt better after, they put some tape to keep the scar close and here we go we were able to go home. If I may suggest, do bring your breastfeeding pillow at the hospital, I didn't and it would have made thing a lot easier. Also, if you want your c-section to heal faster do walk as soon as you can after the c-section, as soon as your legs are good to go, do walk. It help to heal faster that is for sure!

I am going to keep writing another day, I will talk about the recuperation, life with babies for the first few weeks, and also I got a Mirena IUD installed, I will talk about it, but for now, I wish all woman who wants a baby to be successful! I also wish Hsinwei a good recuperation from your operation! Life after the operation is much better!!

So close!

I can't believe that I am a week away from having my baby, time did go so fast! I enjoyed my whole pregnancy so much and I feel I am going to miss it terribly! Last trimester wasn't as bad as books says it, however, did get more tired that is for sure, but feeling baby moving and seeing my big belly, it made it all better! I didn't expect to be so happy being pregnant. And definitely I would say that attitude does make a big difference!

Baby is responding to daddy's voice and mine when I talk to her and also, we have a music box that I have played to her very often and now when we play it she kicks, so cute! My doctor told me not to worry about it, but I do have some fibroid that came back. They are very tinny for now, but how disappointing is that! I have gained only 30 pounds which really surprised me since god knows how much I ate. I have tried to keep up with gym workout, but didn't work so well, but at least I have walk every day.

I have received some comment on my blog, and they touched me very much, my goal in writing this blog was if I could help one person at all then I would be happy. Goal accomplished and I hope also that my blog may help/encourage someone who is trying to get pregnant with a fibroids or an open myomectomy history. Due to my previous operation I have to have a C-section, we will see how the recuperation will go. To be honest though, I rather have that then go through the whole labour anyway! Next posting will probably be a picture of the little one. Until then, baby will keep kicking!

It is so wonderful!

I can't believe how time fly. I am now at 26 weeks (6 month, 2 week). My belly is huge, I keep joking that maybe there is a twin in there, they just didn't see it yet. I am feeling really good. OK, of course there is the tiredness, and going to the washroom every hour and all. But just feeling this little one inside of me moving make you smile right away.

We got to know that we are having a baby girl and we are so excited about it! Baby is kicking a lot and for the past week now, it is not only kicking but i feel her like brushing inside. It feel so weird and great! My husband has been feeling the baby moving now. We are having another ultrasound January 6 and I am very excited about it. It always make me feel so good to see her and knowing that all is good. I don't often post a picture of myself in here, actually I think I never did, but I thought to do so today and show my big belly. OK, my smile is pretty lame, I am wearing braces, so I never know how to smile since. :-) We have just received the crib, graciously bought by my husband's dad! I can't wait to put it together!

For those who had an open myomectomie, I am the proof that you can definitely get pregnant after and have a baby. The wait is totally worth it.
I will update this post in a few weeks.

What's up?

So, it has been a while and I am promising myself to write again here. I am now at a 17 weeks (4 months, 1 week) and I have to say that I am feeling great. I started feeling the baby for the past 2 weeks, it is really cool! It feels like a little fish swimming in your stomach, and I understand now why they say it feels like gas. My belly is sticking out, more then I thought. The nautiouness is now gone, or almost and I feel much better! I was getting headache and someone suggested I wasn't eating enough, and they were right.

August 27, 2010, Friday

This morning I got up a tad bit more rested. I slept a bit better and I need that for a couple of days as I am so tired. That is all I keep writing here. Tired and need poo-poo friend to get the hell out of me. I had 12 inches subs today and I almost eat it all!!! Little piggy. So went to St Mikes this morning, went to get my requisition then went to the Ultrasound place. Baby seems fine after all, it is now 2.17cm, and I am precisely 8 weeks 6 days. The heart beat is at 188 which is normal. I did not hear the heartbeat, but I saw it. She showed it to me, a little spot got blurred then normal then blurred etc. It was pretty cool, I wish Randy would have been there. She also said that the baby moved as we were there. I went back to Dr. Kives and Maureen the nurse, read the ultrasound result, and told me that everything was fine. I think though she said I have a cyst on m ovaries, I won’t think about it right now. She asked me did you have sex maybe. And I said no chance my husband is in Texas for the past 2 weeks. I told her about the burning of my vagina, and she sent me to have a urine test in case I have bladder/yeast infection. That would make sense. I finally got to work at 10:00 and I had a message on my phone, and I thought who care. So I checked it only around 11:00 to find out that it was Randy. I really needed that and it helps me. He also called me a bit after lunch; he is now done with everything which is really great! He told me that the have hidden 7-8 clocks in the ceiling with different times on it. LOL so mean! The new crew is arriving tonight. I have to do the groceries and I am so tired. Anyway, Randy is getting home Sunday, so this is my last update as he will now read this and know more about how the past 2 months has been for me.

August 26, 2010, Thursday

OMG do I ever feel like shit! I couldn’t sleep until 2:30 again, and I am not well at all today, I have a dinner with Celia, which I already cancelled so I have to go. If I don’t start sleeping you will see me dropping somewhere and pretty soon. I am so tired and sick. I think I need to slow down on the milk products; I am itchy today, where my nose, and legs, that is usually the cream allergy. Weird. It is now 2:24 and I just want to drop on the floor. Randy just wrote me, that he passed his final exams with 92% and he passed all his hand on state skills exam, so now all he has to do in the morning, is his state skills written exam. I knew he would pass, I am so proud of him. I can’t wait for him to get back though, the load is getting heavier on my shoulder and I am exhausted, baby is not happy, he want to see daddy.

(…) I went to the washroom and there is blood, pinkish. I can’t go through this again, I just can’t. It will kill me of sadness. I am trying to stay calm but it is difficult, especially that I feel a bit of burning in my vagina, I think last time it did that too. I just cancelled Celia; I am going to go home. I called Dr. Kives, and was transferred to Maureen, I have left a message. I really can do this again. I am trying not to freak out, I can’t have Randy call me tonight I won’t be able to make it. In all day too, I am so exhausted. Fucking shit.

(…) I ended going out anyway with Celia; I thought that even if I stay home it won’t change anything. I got home at 8:00 way much later then I thought. Randy called. I knew I would be crying, I went to the bedroom and tried to act and sound as cheerful as I could. But tears were coming down and by the end I was crying. When I hung up, I stayed on the bed and cried non-stop for 10 minutes. I then watched some TV with Marie and then went to bed totally extenuated.

August 25, 2010, Wednesday

We are now Wednesday, such a long and dragging week! I just wrote Papa George to wish him a nice week. It is kind of sad that he probably didn't receive the card for Randy. I have such a hard time not to cry this morning, so tired. Last night I felt so desesprate, my sister was going for a run and I felt so alone, I started crying, so she said let's go together for the walk. I ended up walking but also running from home to Lawrence then I crossed to Avenue road to home. It felt so good! It was the first time running in so long. I am going to try to go for a walk again tonight. I am so exhausted I can't stand myself anymore. This is Randy last tough day today. I miss him terribly. I really need him to get home now and take care of me. Those last 9 weeks were awful.

August 23, 2010

Randy just called me he sounds down for 2 days in a row now. I can tell that he is so tired as I already told him I got a dress for Pete's wedding and he was surprise, and I said I told you, and he said no you said you just said you saw one. He asked me about the gift, and he said it is at home, and I said yes, and he said where did you buy it, and I said when will you learn that I will not tell you, then I said I bought it in the sex chop! LoL it is not a lie after all. This weekend was awful I literally stayed on the couch the whole weekend, although I did go to the gym today, did 20 minutes which felt like an hour, then I did some back work, and biceps. Nauseousness is not too bad lately. I think I am starting to feel hungry again. I am trying to get back to exercise again, which will be difficult but maybe it will help me.

August 21, 2010, Saturday

Yesterday was a tough day. Last night in particular, I kept crying and crying. Randy called and he kind of said impatiently you sound uptight, it really annoyed me. At the end of the conversation I was so trying not to cry. Then after I just kept crying and couldn't stop.when I got home I had to sleep a little bit for about an hour, then I cooked a quiche which turned out to be so gross! Then I cooked some chicken in tomato sauce and I lied down on the coach as I was so exhausted, and left it too long so it burned. I had nothing else to eat here, so we went and I bought fish and chips at the honey bistro and it was so disgusting. So I ended up not really eating anything. This second pregnancy, as of now I am not as nauseous but I am much more tired the little normal thing that I need to do constantly seem to be too much!! I have to do my grocery and I don't know how I am going to do it. Randy texted me tonight, he said his day was very tough but he was ok, I find a bit difficult that when we talked he doesn't really asked how I am doing, or maybe I just forget that he asks.

August 19, 2010, Thursday

I was driving to the subway this morning by myself, too early for my sister, who is staying home currently, and saw the sun, like a huge orange ball in my mirror. It was absolutely gorgeous, all I kept thinking was how meaningless is life when you don't have anyone to share it. I am starting to feel that Randy is not home and frankly I am so tired. He called me last night and the funny part is I waited the whole day for his call but then when he did my sister put the dinner in front of me and I just needed to eat, I was so nauseous. I did not sleep well, as usual, and I am more then exhausted now. I am on my way, at 6:30am in the morning to the Ultrasound. I frankly don't know how I could handle a bad news this morning; I really hope that there is no bleed anymore and that the baby is ok. I had an awful 2 weeks wondering if the bleeding would increase and if I would have a miscarriage, again. I keep thinking that this year has been half of the year being in a first trimester, twice, being sick, nauseous, extremely tired, brain frog, stomach discomfort, difficulty to have poo-poo friend, swing mood, insomnia, dizzy, extremely emotional and I could go on an on. I don't think I could go through that again. Last year was half and more of the year recuperating from my open myomectomie, so if you asked me this morning, how am I doing, I would probably laugh in your face. Let's see what the ultrasound will show, oh yeah and talking about ultrasound, for the past 2 years, I had about 15-20 of those and not the belly ultrasound, but the stick in your vagina ultrasound, you may think that it is fun, but this one doesn't vibrate and is not fun (sorry for the pure hear reading me).

(…)

I am now back at work and had my ultrasound. First the nurse said that the doctor needed to be there. And I just could picture the same thing happen than last time. Waiting for about 2-3 hours again. Anyway, she decided to go through the viewing part and if there was an issue, then I would have to wait for the doctor. So, I went to the washroom to get my bladder emptied because of course I didn’t need to drink, but nobody told me that! And I put the paper gown on the side of the sink, and didn’t know that it was an automatic sink so the gown got all wet. Great start. She did the ultrasound and saw that there was no more bleed. Heart beat is 167, which she said it is normal. So I didn’t need to see the doctor. I left the building and had to sit, as I just kept crying and couldn’t stop. I now feel exhausted and am sitting at my desk wondering how am I going to do today. Which really is the same thing then the past 6 weeks LOL. I cannot wait for Randy to be back home so I can tell him. I asked for a picture and the baby is bigger then the picture of the first baby at 11 weeks. I am going to start exercising again, not crazy but weight lifting slowly back to my routine. The hard part is to try to find the energy for it. I am eating more with my braces so that part is a bit easier.

August 15, 2010, Sunday

I am officially in full mode of nautiousness and not knowing what to eat. Today I cried, being alone at home it is so boring and long. Why would people want to live alone, really? My stomach is very sensitive for the past 2 days and I trying not to worry but it is rather difficult. Feeling so sick, I don’t want to lose that baby again. The tiredness, the emotion, the nautiousness, the little amount of sleep make being pregnant amazingly difficult, I have passed half of this year being pregnant. I just bought some ginger candies right now, hopefully that will help. This morning I went to McDonald and bought the burritos breakfast, not so healthy but it was really the only thing I wanted to eat, then the rest of the day, I just munch on stuff. Yogurt, ½ banana, I just bought a 5.99 vegetable lasagna; it is now in the microwave. I don’t understand what is the hatred of the veggies and fruit and meat when you are pregnant, it is rather annoying. Having my braces it is not helping either. It is now 3:31 and I am so bored. I guess I will watch another movie and I am not sure what else. I don’t sleep so well without Randy and I am always nervous. There is 13 more days to go. Peter called and asks if Randy left or when he is leaving, I think he knew but Randy asked him to check on me. I thought that was really nice. Mom also called and I almost told her that I was pregnant, and decided that I didn’t want to. I am hoping I will be able to talk to Randy tonight. I really miss him.

August 14, 2010, Saturday

Today I felt exhausted so much. I got up at 9:00 had breakfast, 2 home made waffle and peanut butter and apple sauce on it. Then I baked 4 banana bread for my bake sale that I am organizing at work for Run for the cure. Then at 12:00 I made a poach egg, first time ever, I actually really like it! I had a dentist appointment so I slowly made my way to it. Got my braces tighten and went to buy Indian food, which then was my dinner and super lol. I am missing Randy of course but being so tired it is actually better that way. Today my side was uncomfortable but I don’t think I should worry, I think it is that I need to go to the washroom, yes, as pregnant going to the washroom become so difficult! It is now 7:22 and I am seriously contemplating going to bed in the next 30 minutes. LOL how sad is that! I don’t think Randy will call tonight but I do miss him.

August 13, 2010 Friday

I did not sleep well at all last night. First, I couldn’t fall asleep, and once I did, I got up every hour to go to the washroom. And the sad part when you are pregnant is it is not like you can just hold it and fall back a sleep, nope it is hurting and pushing and pressing. And of course my husband not being there, I kept hearing every noise possible. I got up extremely tired and nauseous. I didn’t think I would make it without vomiting. I ate a bit of oatmeal and 1 tbs peanut butter, and 1 tbs apple sauce. In the subway, I was so dizzy. Then I made a shake at work and drank a bit, I am feeling a bit better right now. It is 11:00. Randy left me message this morning, and I was so sad to have missed him. But he called back and we talked a bit. It was really nice to hear his voice. I can’t wait to tell him that I am pregnant. I have called Dr. Kives for my 12 weeks appointment waiting on her call back. I can’t wait to be tonight and I can go to bed early I am so tired. All the freaking time, it is difficult to be efficient at work that is for sure!

August 12, 2010

I can't believe I succeeded! My husband left for Texas this morning, I can't believe I was able not to tell him I was pregnant!! Yesterday coming home I almost slip, I said that I couldn't eat something and I was about to say you know when you are pregnant but I switch just in time to, when you have braces. I would have been so mad. Today was the worst day, I got up and felt like a truck passed on me, I felt so sick, I didn't know how I could drive back home and did 3 driving mistakes! When walking back to parking after leaving Randy I was already feeling like bawling, a song started to blast at the terminal on my way back to the car signing in such sad tone: Goodbye my love, goodbye my friend. It was almost comical. I am now going through my first night sleeping alone and don't feel so safe.

August 11, 2010

So, I couldn’t eat a lot at lunch, I had lunch with a good friend and with my braces, I couldn’t eat a lot. Too bad I ordered a chili poutine and it was so delicious!! I also didn’t have a snack this afternoon, as I didn’t have anything and a bit earlier Randy called me and said he needed to get his mask for his Apnea machine. Of course he can’t go, and in normal time I am always happy to help as he does so much for me. So I told him I would go, but I feel so annoyed at it as I am so tired and out of it, and now I have to run there and then back to his work as we drove in today. Also I had reminded him so many times. GRRR! Of course he doesn’t know I am pregnant and am so exhausted. Ha all these little thing he will think of once he knows. He is leaving tomorrow, I can’t believe it is already there, the count down of 22 days seem so far. Tomorrow I am going to do my grocery, clean the whole house so the house will stay spotless for 2 week and I am going to go to bed so early. I will miss Randy so much as we are never away from each other, but that will allow me to rest and it is much needed. I have not bled and it has been a week since my last ultrasound so that is good. 1 more week to go and I will have my second ultrasound. I think the day that I will hear the baby heart I am just going to start crying as we never heard it with the first baby that we lost.

August 10, 2010

Today I went to my second blood test, I have to say, I have been very lucky, there was only 2 people ahead of me. So I hardly waited. My energy level is a bit better today, although now it is 3:15 and it is starting to go downhill. I did drink a coffee this morning. I am very hungry right now, as usual, I am drinking a freshly squeezed low fat yogurt and soy protein, usually they fill me in, but not this time. I have nothing else that I can eat. Randy bought me a muffin last night, a fruit explosion so I ate that this morning, it was really nice, with peanut butter and jam.

I have to say there is no issue doing braces when pregnant, but do remember that the first 3-4 weeks you won’t be able to eat very much unless puree. I have the bake sale next week and frankly I don’t know how am I going to do it, I am so tired! I am going to bake this weekend as not a lot of people offered to bring stuff, very disappointing I must say! Last night I made those surprise au fromage, it was so delicious.. (Meat balls with bread crumb, eggs, and a square of cheese in the middle) I am going to eat that again tonight. My stomach is bothering me today, not painful but not very comfortable. I have decided not to tell Randy when he is with his dad, since there is a risk that I may loose that baby too and I won’t know before the 19^th more about it, which means that by then it will be too late. Randy told me yesterday that he is doing another course on Wednesday for 12 weeks, I so wanted to cry. I just need him to take care of more stuff in the house, since I am doing more right now so he can finish his course and concentrate on it. It is only Wednesday but it should be better. I don’t know why but when you are pregnant your urine smell stronger, it is kind of disgusting actually. I don’t know how I will survive but tonight I am going with Randy at the retirement home to screen the movie. We have a wedding on Sept for Peter, I have to buy a dress and not sure what I should buy, I don’t think I will really show by then. Thanksgiving is October 11. By then I will be13 weeks so that should be the perfect occasion to tell Randy’s family. Of course we will tell his dad before he is so great. As for my sister I still was able not to tell her, but I have the feeling that if she sees me she will know, my cheek being redder, the only thing, is I have lost weight with the braces so that could play a trick, my cheek are burning today and it is rather annoying.

August 9, 2010

This morning in the subway I was extremely nauseous, and probably also because I just couldn’t eat my breakfast, I made 2 eggs but I just wanted to vomit. Randy kept looking at me and tried to offer solution so at the end; I said I just need to go to the washroom. The worst part is when I am nauseous I just can’t talk, I need to close my eyes and stay still, and him keeping talking to me wasn’t helping at all. 2 days and he is gone. This morning I was so tired, and he ask did you sleep well, and frankly when you get up every 2 hours to go to the washroom, no you don’t sleep well, and I was going to say that but then I realized that he would wonder why the washroom so often. I went to get the requisition at Dr Kives, and I was going to do the blood test but there were a lot of people so I decided that I would go tomorrow instead.

August 8, 2010

I am so tired today, and I am afraid that I am getting nauseous slowly but surely. Today, we were watching a movie, and my BB rang and it was unknown number. I know usually that is Dr. Kives, but I thought it is Sunday, so I answered. I couldn’t believe it, so I got up and went to the bedroom and closed the door. It was Dr. Kives on a Sunday, she is so amazing! She said that the ultrasound looks good, and I said but they said there was a small bleed and she said not to worry about it, she said that maybe it would be good to repeat the blood test, and I said that they were going to repeat the Ultrasound in 2 weeks, and she said that is good. She told me not to worry, I wanted to ask more questions, but I was afraid that Randy would hear. Once done I went back to the living room and he asked who it was, I smiled and said it is not your business. And he said, OMG it is for a dog, this morning I was looking for puppy on Kiijii. And he kept going on and on. Pretty funny. Then he asked again, so I said how am I supposed to organize a surprise if you keep asking question. He is leaving Thursday, 4 more days…

August 6, 2010

Last night I was not well, just wanted to cry from the news of the ultrasound. Randy keep trying to know what is wrong, as he knows me very well. I told him that I was just tired. I know he is worrying more for me. I really hope that I won’t have the miscarriage, if I have that again before he leaves, and yet, I don’t want to go through that by myself, it is so difficult. I am seeing Christine tonight and at least I will be able to relieve myself about it to her. I feel like a zombie, just walking through days and not really realizing what is around me. I just want to crawl in a ball and stay still for a while. I can’t wait for Randy to leave as I am so tired of trying to be energetic and cheerful. I know he is getting annoyed at me looking like I do right now. He will understand after his trip.