August 23, 2010

Randy just called me he sounds down for 2 days in a row now. I can tell that he is so tired as I already told him I got a dress for Pete's wedding and he was surprise, and I said I told you, and he said no you said you just said you saw one. He asked me about the gift, and he said it is at home, and I said yes, and he said where did you buy it, and I said when will you learn that I will not tell you, then I said I bought it in the sex chop! LoL it is not a lie after all. This weekend was awful I literally stayed on the couch the whole weekend, although I did go to the gym today, did 20 minutes which felt like an hour, then I did some back work, and biceps. Nauseousness is not too bad lately. I think I am starting to feel hungry again. I am trying to get back to exercise again, which will be difficult but maybe it will help me.

August 21, 2010, Saturday

Yesterday was a tough day. Last night in particular, I kept crying and crying. Randy called and he kind of said impatiently you sound uptight, it really annoyed me. At the end of the conversation I was so trying not to cry. Then after I just kept crying and couldn't stop.when I got home I had to sleep a little bit for about an hour, then I cooked a quiche which turned out to be so gross! Then I cooked some chicken in tomato sauce and I lied down on the coach as I was so exhausted, and left it too long so it burned. I had nothing else to eat here, so we went and I bought fish and chips at the honey bistro and it was so disgusting. So I ended up not really eating anything. This second pregnancy, as of now I am not as nauseous but I am much more tired the little normal thing that I need to do constantly seem to be too much!! I have to do my grocery and I don't know how I am going to do it. Randy texted me tonight, he said his day was very tough but he was ok, I find a bit difficult that when we talked he doesn't really asked how I am doing, or maybe I just forget that he asks.

August 19, 2010, Thursday

I was driving to the subway this morning by myself, too early for my sister, who is staying home currently, and saw the sun, like a huge orange ball in my mirror. It was absolutely gorgeous, all I kept thinking was how meaningless is life when you don't have anyone to share it. I am starting to feel that Randy is not home and frankly I am so tired. He called me last night and the funny part is I waited the whole day for his call but then when he did my sister put the dinner in front of me and I just needed to eat, I was so nauseous. I did not sleep well, as usual, and I am more then exhausted now. I am on my way, at 6:30am in the morning to the Ultrasound. I frankly don't know how I could handle a bad news this morning; I really hope that there is no bleed anymore and that the baby is ok. I had an awful 2 weeks wondering if the bleeding would increase and if I would have a miscarriage, again. I keep thinking that this year has been half of the year being in a first trimester, twice, being sick, nauseous, extremely tired, brain frog, stomach discomfort, difficulty to have poo-poo friend, swing mood, insomnia, dizzy, extremely emotional and I could go on an on. I don't think I could go through that again. Last year was half and more of the year recuperating from my open myomectomie, so if you asked me this morning, how am I doing, I would probably laugh in your face. Let's see what the ultrasound will show, oh yeah and talking about ultrasound, for the past 2 years, I had about 15-20 of those and not the belly ultrasound, but the stick in your vagina ultrasound, you may think that it is fun, but this one doesn't vibrate and is not fun (sorry for the pure hear reading me).

(…)

I am now back at work and had my ultrasound. First the nurse said that the doctor needed to be there. And I just could picture the same thing happen than last time. Waiting for about 2-3 hours again. Anyway, she decided to go through the viewing part and if there was an issue, then I would have to wait for the doctor. So, I went to the washroom to get my bladder emptied because of course I didn’t need to drink, but nobody told me that! And I put the paper gown on the side of the sink, and didn’t know that it was an automatic sink so the gown got all wet. Great start. She did the ultrasound and saw that there was no more bleed. Heart beat is 167, which she said it is normal. So I didn’t need to see the doctor. I left the building and had to sit, as I just kept crying and couldn’t stop. I now feel exhausted and am sitting at my desk wondering how am I going to do today. Which really is the same thing then the past 6 weeks LOL. I cannot wait for Randy to be back home so I can tell him. I asked for a picture and the baby is bigger then the picture of the first baby at 11 weeks. I am going to start exercising again, not crazy but weight lifting slowly back to my routine. The hard part is to try to find the energy for it. I am eating more with my braces so that part is a bit easier.

August 15, 2010, Sunday

I am officially in full mode of nautiousness and not knowing what to eat. Today I cried, being alone at home it is so boring and long. Why would people want to live alone, really? My stomach is very sensitive for the past 2 days and I trying not to worry but it is rather difficult. Feeling so sick, I don’t want to lose that baby again. The tiredness, the emotion, the nautiousness, the little amount of sleep make being pregnant amazingly difficult, I have passed half of this year being pregnant. I just bought some ginger candies right now, hopefully that will help. This morning I went to McDonald and bought the burritos breakfast, not so healthy but it was really the only thing I wanted to eat, then the rest of the day, I just munch on stuff. Yogurt, ½ banana, I just bought a 5.99 vegetable lasagna; it is now in the microwave. I don’t understand what is the hatred of the veggies and fruit and meat when you are pregnant, it is rather annoying. Having my braces it is not helping either. It is now 3:31 and I am so bored. I guess I will watch another movie and I am not sure what else. I don’t sleep so well without Randy and I am always nervous. There is 13 more days to go. Peter called and asks if Randy left or when he is leaving, I think he knew but Randy asked him to check on me. I thought that was really nice. Mom also called and I almost told her that I was pregnant, and decided that I didn’t want to. I am hoping I will be able to talk to Randy tonight. I really miss him.

August 14, 2010, Saturday

Today I felt exhausted so much. I got up at 9:00 had breakfast, 2 home made waffle and peanut butter and apple sauce on it. Then I baked 4 banana bread for my bake sale that I am organizing at work for Run for the cure. Then at 12:00 I made a poach egg, first time ever, I actually really like it! I had a dentist appointment so I slowly made my way to it. Got my braces tighten and went to buy Indian food, which then was my dinner and super lol. I am missing Randy of course but being so tired it is actually better that way. Today my side was uncomfortable but I don’t think I should worry, I think it is that I need to go to the washroom, yes, as pregnant going to the washroom become so difficult! It is now 7:22 and I am seriously contemplating going to bed in the next 30 minutes. LOL how sad is that! I don’t think Randy will call tonight but I do miss him.

August 13, 2010 Friday

I did not sleep well at all last night. First, I couldn’t fall asleep, and once I did, I got up every hour to go to the washroom. And the sad part when you are pregnant is it is not like you can just hold it and fall back a sleep, nope it is hurting and pushing and pressing. And of course my husband not being there, I kept hearing every noise possible. I got up extremely tired and nauseous. I didn’t think I would make it without vomiting. I ate a bit of oatmeal and 1 tbs peanut butter, and 1 tbs apple sauce. In the subway, I was so dizzy. Then I made a shake at work and drank a bit, I am feeling a bit better right now. It is 11:00. Randy left me message this morning, and I was so sad to have missed him. But he called back and we talked a bit. It was really nice to hear his voice. I can’t wait to tell him that I am pregnant. I have called Dr. Kives for my 12 weeks appointment waiting on her call back. I can’t wait to be tonight and I can go to bed early I am so tired. All the freaking time, it is difficult to be efficient at work that is for sure!

August 12, 2010

I can't believe I succeeded! My husband left for Texas this morning, I can't believe I was able not to tell him I was pregnant!! Yesterday coming home I almost slip, I said that I couldn't eat something and I was about to say you know when you are pregnant but I switch just in time to, when you have braces. I would have been so mad. Today was the worst day, I got up and felt like a truck passed on me, I felt so sick, I didn't know how I could drive back home and did 3 driving mistakes! When walking back to parking after leaving Randy I was already feeling like bawling, a song started to blast at the terminal on my way back to the car signing in such sad tone: Goodbye my love, goodbye my friend. It was almost comical. I am now going through my first night sleeping alone and don't feel so safe.